** Warning: this is a very personal post. I need your understanding, affection and support now, my dear readers! I will be ok, but, before, I need to mend a broken heart! **
I’m not the kind of person who talks about her private life. I think it’s my business, don’t want to annoy people with endless stories about my privacy. But, sometimes, it’s necessary to go beyond my limits and open my heart. As a writer, I know that writing about my pain, I can maybe help people who are living the same situation. At least to me it’s a relief to read something about a hard moment I’m also going through. So, I’ll try to say a few words about what’s happening in my life and keep in mind that many other women, all over this world, are facing or trying to overcome this problem. Let’s talk about violence, my dear readers.
Violence is not only a physical attack. This is an extreme type of violence. Words hurt too. Verbal violence or verbal abuse is part of the life of many women all over this planet, who hear, from their boyfriends, husbands, etc., every type of harsh and offensive words. As a feminist, I agree that men are violent to women especially because of cultural reasons. And we, women, are taught to be quiet and bear everything in the name of a love that actually doesn’t exist. Yes, I’m talking about relationships. I had a boyfriend. I was in a long distance relationship for half an year. It was like a roller coaster and, as I said to a friend once, I used to go from heaven to hell in a matter of hours. It doesn’t matter where or how have we met. Everything happened very fast! We had a crush on each other, then we fell in love, then we started to chat and talk by Skype more than twice a day, every single day! But my castle was made of sand and the waves, little by little, destroyed it. My ex-boyfriend has a problem: alcohol and drug abuse, plus some psychological disturbs and a violent nature. When sober, he’s the sweetest man of this planet (apparently). When drunk, a monster. And this is a real problem. Many women are ashamed to confess that they have a relationship with an alcoholist and/or drug user and are victims of violence, sometimes daily violence. It was the first time that I fell in love with an alcoholist and what surprises me when I think about it, is that when people talk about alcoholists (men, in the most of times), they usually forget their family, girlfriends and wives, who have to bear an existance made of fear, anxiety, terror and loneliness. Some people, professionals related to this field, say that alcohol abuse is a sickness. So, it needs treatment. I know that alcohol and drug abuse generate a deep dependance in the human body and it’s very hard to an addict, to get rid of the dependance. But, can I go beyond? Can I talk about the silent pain of the women who live together with these men? Can I talk about my sleepless nights, my lost of weight, my eating disorders, all the tears I cried and all the terror I felt? Because usually women who have a relationship with alcoholists and drug users are victims of violence, verbal abuse and every type of manipulation. In the beginning, we forgive everything, not only because we’re in love, but because we are women. Even if we come from a progressive family (it’s my case), the society still wants us to be humiliated without a reaction.
I don’t want to be good to addicted people now and you know why? Because they are deeply selfish. Usually, people drink or use drugs to relax, socialize, live different and alternative experiences, be someone they can’t be without this “help”. The problem is that our life is connected to many other lives. We have a family, friends, coworkers, neighbours, etc. We are not alone in this world. I said a thousand times to my ex-boyfriend that what he did to his life impacted my life. That’s the way things are. Yes, addicted people are selfish. They only care about themselves. My ex-boyfriend has a family. His parents don’t know what to do. I tried everything I could to help him! Alcohol abusers need professional help. They need to talk to a psychologist and/or psychiatrist about their problem, to find its reasons. They need to fight their own dark side. We all have a dark side. And I strongly recommend to you, my dear reader, to write a diary, talk to a psychologist or develop your faith and spirituality to deal with your dark side, before it hurts yourself and people around you! Don’t start to drink or use drugs to be someone you are not. Don’t start to drink and use drugs to be funny and cool. Believe me: drunken people and people under the effects of drugs, are not funny and cool! They are unbearable! I had a relationship with a man who took a knife and tried to cut his arms in front of me, when we were talking by webcam! This is absolutely sick! Now, try to be in my place. When drunk, my boyfriend gets violent. He said terrible things to me, including sexist and racist offenses (if you remember my old posts, I’m mixed. My mother was black and my father was blond.). At some point, I became a type of slave of his will, because I had to be on Skype whenever he wanted me to be! I lived for this relationship. I started to have problems at work and at home. I couldn’t sleep or eat, I didn’t give attention properly to my friends and penpals (believe me, they are very important to me!), I left this blog for a while. I spent 24 hours a day, 7 days a week worried about him, because he drinks so much that it’s amazing that he’s still alive! He also steals alcohol and hit innocent people when drunk. Alcohol is destroying his mind. He also has some psychological disturbs. But he doesn’t want to solve his problems. He doesn’t want to go to rehab or do some treatment. I heard a thousand promises. “I will stop!”, “I will take a medicine to stop me to drink!”. He spent, at most, a little more than 15 days sober. To start everything again. If I was there, I know he would hit me sooner or later. He even threatened my brother, saying he would kill him. And I got terrified, because he’s crazy enough to do it!
“Why did you spend half an year with this man, Luna?!” some of you will ask me. Well. When sober, he made me feel loved, pretty, sexy, special. We, women, really need this! I will miss him, despite of everything and it won’t be easy to spend these first days without chatting or talking to him more than twice a day, by Skype. What made me end this relationship was his violence. All the verbal abuse, manipulations and psychological tortures I had to bear. Alcohol abusers usually are violent to their girlfriends and wives. They hurt us. Then, they promise to stop. And we believe them. And we forgive them. Then, everything starts again when they drink again. And we keep in our souls (sometimes also on our bodies) the marks of this violence. We forget our own lives to take care of them. Because we really believe our love can heal and change them. So, we accept to be humiliated, hurt, sometimes beaten and raped. Yes, raped. Many women are victims of sexual violence committed by their own boyfriends and husbands! In the beginning, we accept everything because we love them and we think it’s better to be quiet and not react. Then, we accept everything because we fear. “Will he kill me? Will he rape me? Will he kill my family?” We start to be quiet, avoiding to say something, because each “wrong” word can wake up the monster. We start to feel guilty and responsible for their addiction. My ex-boyfriend can’t stand any type of frustration. Everything must happen according to his will. So, can you imagine how did I use to feel, by his side?! Actually, an alcohol abuser will drink, no matter why! Only the alcohol and drug abusers can find a reason to get rid of the addiction! I did everything I could to save my boyfriend and my relationship. But he’s acting like a maniac, it’s impossible to talk to him, he will end up in jail or dead! I know this is a harsh thing to say, but, unfortunately, it’s the truth! I did everything I could to help him. I would be in his country in the end of the year, but it’s dangerous! In every single sense! Not only because of his addiction and violent behaviour. But also because of his friends, companies and enemies. It’s a dark road, my friends. And only a few escape from their tragic fate!
It’s terrible to feel that I did everything, but couldn’t help him. I couldn’t. It’s up to him. This is a bitter wisdom: we can’t change other people’s lives. I will miss him. I will cry thinking of what we could be. But I will survive! And, for all the women who are living the same situation at present: sometimes, we need to be strong enough to say “It’s over!” No more abuses, no more violence, no more fear, terror, tears, sleepless nights, sacrifice! I decided that my life is more important, that there’s a lot of people who need, love and admire me! So … it’s time to go ahead! I understand that people who have alcohol and drug problems lose control. They really lose their minds. But we are not obligated to bear daily violence and humiliation. No matter how bad you feel. It has nothing to do with other people! And we can’t forget that violence against women is still something socially accepted, especially in countries like Brazil where women are killed by their boyfriends and husbands! Boys feel free to scream and shout at girls, offend them, humiliate and persecute them (verbal/psychological abuse). We cannot accept this.
Love is a healthy and beautiful thing. A nice guy will treat his girl right, listen to her and avoid to hurt her. So, if you’re a girl who’s living a similar situation (it doesn’t matter if your partner is an alcohol/drug abuser; sometimes he’s just violent), know that you can change it! You are strong enough to say: “It’s over!” You deserve to be loved and respected! Violence against women is also a matter of power. Some men feel free to hurt us, because they believe they can, it doesn’t matter if they’re drunk or sober. Alcoholism and drug abuse are health problems. I know that. But I also know that everything in this life is a matter of choice. So if you, my dear reader, drink a lot or use drugs to escape from reality, know that nothing will change because you’re doing it! It’s quite the opposite: your life will suck even more, because you will destroy it! Healthy people drink sometimes, a little bit and get drunk once in a while, if so. There’s nothing wrong about alcohol itself. But when people start to use it to escape from reality, it becomes a big problem. So, stop before it’s too late! Search for help, talk to someone, don’t let it destroy you and everything around you!
About violence. Dear guys, you don’t show how strong you are hurting people, but protecting and respecting them, Ok?!
I’ll be back. Stay tuned! And I’m sorry for this atrocious delay. Here is a song, which is the anthem of the end of my relationship. I know it’s cheesy, but I really love this song! *lol*
Hugs!
Luna
